feeling content

I have to share this because I feel as if it has just hit me....CONTENTMENT. Finally, after 27 years of feeling incontinence in where I am in life it seems I have woken up into what is really mine and I am content with that. Yes, I may better my professional life eventually or move into a bigger house, but right now I see only what is here and for once in my life...it is okay. For once I feel like in six months I will not move to another city. That for me is huge step. Yes, I have contemplated moving over and over again in my head over that past year, but I am not. Bloom where your planted I guess...well, its seems as if I have finally gotten a few blooms. God willing, I know next year Maddax and I will be here. Somewhere along the unbeaten path things have fallen into place. Don't get me wrong...there are things I wish to change, places I want to go, things to do, failure to let go of, hurt and disappointment to forgive, but there are also as many positive things, probably more positive than the negative. And this didn't come from anyone else and I feel happy about a lot of things and that didn't stem from another person's influence or being...it has come from me. Not giving up when things have fallen apart over and over, but putting them back together differently than the way they were when they fell apart in the first place. And things surely will loosen and seem to fall apart again, but we will look at the pieces, put the good ones back, learn from the bad ones and let them go.

Knowing that things can and will get better and to finally believe it and to see that my buds will bloom if you give them a fair chance...well it kind of fills me up. My life, for once, has finally satisfied the unsatisfied person in me.

friday

Went to see Ingram Hill last night.. THEY WERE AWESOME. If you have not heard of them you need to check 'em out. They are from Memphis, TN. www.ingramhillmusic.com

My Dad is in town and we are going out to dinner...always nice to go out when Dad is paying. I am glad he called a little while ago to inform me of it. I went to Blockbuster on my lunch break and rented some movies to watch tonight. My brother informed me I was lame and if I wanted he could see if one of boys he works with would want to take me out some where. (ha ha) Thanks, Jon, but no thanks. I could just see it...

"Hey, man. I've got this sister who's Kinda cute. She's bored and went to blockbuster on her lunch break . Wanna taker some where?"

Gotta, luv it.

OH MY GOSH!!! I just saw a horrible accident at lunch. A car hit a guy on a motorcycle. The ambulance was not there yet, the guy was just lying out in the road. I thought I was going to vomit, seriously. I pray that God protects all you hard-headed motorcycle riders. May he be your wings.

A CHANCE ENCOUNTER...

other person: "Hey, what's up? I haven't seen you in a while, huh?"
me: "I'm great. You?"
other person: "Well, I've been better. Have ya seen "that person" lately?"
me: "No."
other person: "You know he has a girl practically livin with him."
me: "No."
other person: "Hell Yeah."
me: "That's great. I hope he's nice to her."
other person: "Well, he treated you like shit."
me: "Damn, turn the knife would ya? No seriously. It's fine and you're right"
other person: "She's nothin compared to you though."
me: "Really, how nice. I hope he's nice to her."
other person: "One day he's gonna wake up and be sorry he let you get away."
me: "You know, the other day, I woke up and was happy that he did."


give a hug. wave good-bye.

silently, thank God.

Here's my weekend. Painted, painted, painted. Still not finished. Maddax helped. We went to Michael's and bought these "things" for him to paint (yeah, that's what all y'all are gettin' for Christmas") and then I painted the other pics and every so often he would say "OOh Look Mommy, I help you." And I would say, "Thanks, Mad, for painting a huge green stripe right down the front of my picture I have been working on for a week. How nice!!!"

He pooped in the potty for the first time in a while. He has done it before, but not for real. And if you are a parent you know what I mean. He pee-peed off the top of the jungle gym at the park on the Riverfront. Me screaming below and trying to convince him that we don't pee outside and we don't pee off the top of big things with people all around and that is not nice. It did not work. He redeemed himself a little later though. We walked over and ate at a restaurant nearby. He was an angel. I could not believe how well behaved he was and there was another kid running around all over the place. Maddax didn't even try to join in on the fun. WOW.

I got invited on a date Saturday, but had to refuse b/c I already had a date with a boy that likes to pee of jungle gyms. Guys are so weird. Have not heard from Mr. DoYouWantToGoOnADate?AndIfYouSayUCan'tIWillNeverCallYouAgain. That guy...I think I am going to be forced to write a Dear God, Why do you keep sending me the wrong ones? letter.

MY NEW ANONYMOUS BLOG

I think I am going to start an anonymous blog. That way I can write about cooler fun stuff and don't have to worry about not so anonymous people reading it and going to wedding showers or baby showers or football games and saying crap about me and my life and the lives of the people that are on my blogroll and how we are all connected and why we are and who we are and who we are now and who we were 10 years ago... Since you obviously are so bored, I have an idea of something you can do, ok? Go outside and dig holes in your yard with a metal kitchen spoon. Dig as many as you can. That should keep you busy and unbored for awhile.

Enough wasted energy on that...

I went to the Armory and dropped off a bunch of stuff for the hurricane victims. There were a lot of people there getting stuff and some others dropping stuff off. Very sad, but good that people are so willing to help and give their support. Adam has told that the conditions there in N.O. are worse than they were when he was in Baghdad. He said there were thousands of dead bodies floating in the flood waters downtown and the smell is horrid. Probably unforgettable. Last I heard he was escorting people to get items from their homes, but that was Wednesday, I think. He was downtown sleeping on the sidewalk for the first couple of days. It really says a lot about him to volunteer to go down there and help in this situation, especially just returning from a 2 year stay in Iraq. I am very proud of you.

I don't know what Maddax and I are going to do over the weekend. I will probably paint some...I have four sold and only one of them finished. So that is a definite project to work on. We went to The Arts Center, last week?, to a pottery thing. It was cool. Maddax loved the ducks that were outside of The Arts Center at the little pond. He also loved the fountains. We may stroll dtown and play on the jungle gym by the riverfront and have pizza. (?) We could go swimming at a friends pool. Don't know. I just discovered this towns "family calendar," which is pretty cool. It lists most things family oriented that are going on during that month. This is very helpful b/c being here with just the two of us and not knowing any other other single people with kids makes it hard to find out where to do stuff. Larissa and Marina have moved here though. That is exciting. We will have to hang out. I think they are in a little bit of a transition right now.

Actually, I think I was suppose to drive up to see my dad this weekend and I just remembered. Damn, I get so tired of driving. He has been traveling working since July 1 and is leaving again for 8 weeks after this weekend. He is talking of moving out of the state soon. I don't see why not. If I traveled all the time and then spent a couple of weeks at home, I would not plant myself in Arkansas. He is thinking NE Tenn. ? Not sure why TN, or he says closer to here or maybe closer to Dallas. Texarkana??? Or Florida?? Then in two years move to Switzerland. He has big ideas, which is a good thing. I am the same way. Mostly I just can't be satisfied and refuse to settle and hear no....but that is a whole other story. I like to get what I want, but who doesn't? I just refuse to give up most of the time which is good and bad, depending on the situation. Determined.

Well, enough of my rambling for the day. Great weekend to ya.

Hurricane Katrina...how has this affected me? Not directly, but indirectly...a lot. Why is this different from 9-11? The South?...maybe. I don't know? But this is what is do know...

I have a photograph I took while in New Orleans last year, just some random shot of vendors and artists on the street...close to Washington Sq. (i think) the colors on the street are so bright and vivid, I bought my first original piece of artwork in the Garden District from a local vampire artist, I had my picture taken with the Naked Cowboy (he in his whitey tighties...me in my huge coat and scarf b/c it was freezing), I received bruises from being slammed in the head by Mardi Gras beads while trying to walk down a very crowded Bourbon Street, I drank the strongest margarita available at Margaritaville...against the wishes of the bartender. I lost my eye glasses somewhere in New Orleans? I veiwed original paintings by Claude Monet at the museum there. I stole a cocktail fork from Laundry's to take home for Maddax. I walked through the amazing Aquarium of the Americas (? name) I saw women show everything for a bead. I saw women show everything standing in a doorway off Bourbon St. for money. I was stopped by a taxi driver and informed to get in the car before I (and friends) got stabbed or murdered..you don't walk the streets of N.O. by yourself at night. I watched people fight for prizes being thrown from floats during the parades on Canal Street. I laughed at the mimes and awed at the artists. Ate the wonderful food and drank the liquor and heard the sounds and voices of the creole culture.

I have experienced an amazing city.

Now, my cousin, is in the same city watching dead bodies float past in contaminated water that smells like feces and decay. Now, I find myself glued to the news. Now, I can't sleep for thinking about this tragic event that is destroying a culture. Now, I ponder on ways to help and ways to make a difference and make things better. Now, I want to drive down there and get all those poor animals left behind.

please pray for all the people in LA, MS, FL & AL. this is a very sad situation and my heart goes out to all of them and their families. there are donation drop-offs just about everywhere...so do what you can to help.

i couldn't imagine being with clothes, food, lights, family...

these people are left with no where to live and no where to go.

i woke up at 4:00 am this morning thinking about this tragedy. i was in a warm bed, air conditioned house with plenty of food and precious little boy lying safely beside me. i got out of the bed and went and sat on the couch and watched the news...the tv was still blaring CNN from the night before...and that poor news guy...you could tell it was 4:00 in the morning...the broadcast was going in and out and in and out...he was looking rattled and like a bath would really do him some good...he kept repeating himself , "and you can see...and you can see over here...and you can see...see right over there..." and i am not sure he actually really knew what he was saying, because no, we couldn't see..it is 4:00 am and dark outside and no electricity in New Orleans... all we could see was him, wide-eyed...you could tell though, that "anywhere but here" was what he was thinking...

it made me feel guilty ...all my life around me...pleasant, settled and comfortable