Blah BLAH...YEAH its FRIDAY!!!

I am so damn excited it is FRIDAY. My brother and I went downtown last night. He is doing well or seems to be. I enjoyed getting to visit with him. Maddax is at his Grammie's. I forgot and left Stella outside this morning, darn. She will be fine surely, but I may get another nasty anonymous note on my door from my ever so friendly neighbor. My dog barks...no freaking way!!! A dog...that barks...hmmm....how interesting. She disturbs my neighbor, my twenty-something, always have a million people at my house being loud neighbor. Get a life or Earplugs, or tell my dog to hush or come on over and let me know she is bothering you. Don't leave notes on my door about disturbing the peace and city ordinances. GOSH!!!!!!PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
Maybe if my other neighbor's cat would quit dormenting my dog...SHE would not bark so much. Just a suggestion...besides cat people...do they think leash laws do not apply to them? Why do cat people feel like they can let their animals roam about freely? Oh, but let your dog roam about freely? I would surely have a massive amount of hate mail on my door. Enough about that. I feel like I am about to perch up on my soap box and I am not in that kind of mood today.

My brother and I were out last night and ran into a bunch of military guys. One of them asked me how old I was and I told him, of course. He said, "DAMN, you' re old!!!" Appreciate YA!! Really, and he was like a year younger than me. Dork.

Well, we are having donuts at work this morning. So I need to go indulge

She is a dandelion.

With the slightest gust she breaks,

falls apart

scattering her mess around her.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because you know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake

A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same damn thing.......

I love music. Sometimes we find a song or just a verse from a song that sparks an emotion in us. Whether happy, sad, confused...the emotion doesn't matter. This song sparked something in me. Could you imagine your life with no music?

VENT SESSION

I wish I was a selfish person sometimes. It would really make my life a lot easier in many circumstances. I feel really torn between places in my life right now and it sucks. This really bothers me because there are things that I want to do, but I can't because: 1) It is not what someone else thinks I should do...2) It would leave out a friend(s) of mine other than those involved...3) It would hurt the feelings of those that are so used to me being so passive...4) Maybe seems too spontaneous for a single mother...5) I can't say yes or no to anybody or anything...it is always "maybe" or "we'll see."

I am tired of being this way. Except for the No. 5. that is just the way I am. I cannot commit to just ONE thing or ONE choice. You know why? See No. 1 - No. 4. There is part of your answer.

Well, I am going to try to be different, since this is MY LIFE. From now on - no more consideration for what everyone else may feel about what I do or what I say or where I go or who I talk to...because point blank...If I am always doing what I want to do...then I should be HAPPY!

Let me go ahead and clarify for those reading...
no.1) I am writing this because I want to...not because of you or anyone else
no. 2) This doesn't have anything to do with you
no. 3) I am not trying to hurt any feelings...it is not about you
no. 4) Really doesn't apply to this
no. 5) Will I explain further? Maybe... we'll see...That is just me...my spontaneity is what makes me, ME. My ability to change my mind or my direction at anytime is one thing that differentiates me from most everyone else I know. The effect it has on my ability to make a concrete decision....well, that is something to work on.

Did You Know?

This is an interesting email that I received today. I have read it before, but enjoyed the opportunity to absorb its message again. I have posted it so that some of you may soak up something from it, or if you have already read it, may enjoy it again.

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are really weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

TGIFF

I had to add an extra "f"....hmmm wonder what that stands for? Long week. Maddax has been with his grandma all week!!!!!!! I am bored......can you believe that? I miss him so...see you Sunday, Poo!!!

Good Morning

I do not have a lot to write about, but will try because I am tired of checking your blogs everyday with no new post as I assume you are mine. Let's see...Today....hmmmm...

I woke up at 5:00 a.m...fixed a picture of frozen orange juice b/c maddax was waiting for it in the bed...I did this as fast as possible in order to not fully awaken him at 5:00 a.m. b/c then I would miss my usual thirty minutes of alone time per day...mission accomplished w/ the orange juice, YEAH...used the bathroom....fixed myself a diet coke...let Stella outside to also use the bathroom...gave her some water and food...screamed at her for chewing on my kitchen rug...screamed at her for jumping on my bed (maddax was sleeping in there)...back to the kitchen...fixed an egg and sausage for Maddax's breakfast...left in the microwave for safe keeping from Stella...put on a load of jeans to wash...screamed at Stella some more because she was chewing on Maddax's red boots...conned her into going outside...ran in before she could see me...it is now 5:45 (give or take)...alone finally!!!...called the bank to check my account, although I knew I had not spent any money in the past four days b/c I left my debit card in the atm and it sucked it up, could not get it back b/c the bastards at the bank cut it up...waiting on a new one, ...ok, still checking the account b/c I am obsessed with checking it...I check it about three times a day...like a ghost is going to jump in my checking account and steal all my money...checked account...same as yesterday and the day before....yeah, no ghost so far...sat on the kitchen counter trying to wake up and think about everything I did not feel like doing today...got up, journeyed to the living room...turned on Higgleytown Heros, just in case Maddax woke up...Heros not on, yet. Meaning it is just now 6:15...hell, yeah. ahead of schedule...made it to the bathroom...turned on shower got in...got out...towelled around for a few minutes...brushed teeth, mouthwashed...put on a few clothes...creeped in the bedroom to wake up maddax...talked in my gingerbreadman/Elmo voice to try to encourage a laugh through the pissed off look on his face b/c he did not want to get up...turned into the tickle monster....turned into the foot eating sock hand...turned back into myself...damn, he's screaming again...back to gingerbreadman/Elmo voice...ok he's laughing...Hero is on...put Maddax on the couch, damn it he is wearing rubberboots and shorts to school, again...no time to argue...slapped on makeup...put on work clothes...thank God I shaved my legs on Saturday....let Stella inside...put her in her kennel...grabbed Maddax and put him in the car...damn, forgot his lunch...ran back in...threw a lunch together...7:30 by now...back to car...off to McDonald's...forgot to give him the breakfast that I forgot I left in the microwave...that I forgot I cooked...line not too long...7:48 a.m...dropped him off at school...straightened up his breakfast...hugs, kisses, bye-bye...off to work...8:04 pulling into the parking garage...8:10 at my desk...deep breath...maybe not so much alone time tomorrow morning.

Inspired Morning

Dropping my son off at school I prepared for our usual routine...he sits down, I take away his sassy (yes, he still has it), put out his breakfast, kiss his face, tell him bye and leave. But this morning after I kissed his slobbery sweet mouth and got up to leave he said, "Mommy, come hug me." So I went and hugged him, heart touched and about to cry, and of course not wanting to leave him. The joys of children are never ending. My point here is different, though. For me, as a person I don't think I could ever ask someone to "come hug me." It is either something that you do or something that you don't. Expressing emotion is not the easiest for all people and I fall right in the middle of that category. Even my grandmother has told me that when I was a small child I would not let anyone comfort or hold me. I was too independent, as I am now, and I want to handle everything on my own- even the need for love or the need to be loved. Yes, there are people in my life that I love very dearly...I hug them and tell them when they tell me first and depart from a visit...blah, blah, blah - you know the routine.

Well, one of my missions as a parent has been to raise my son (and the fact that he is a boy is very important in this situation) not to be afraid to express his love or his need to be loved. If you love someone, tell them. I want him to be able to show his emotion and know that is it okay to have feelings and it is okay to let them show. Life is hard and not always the way we think it should be. There are ups and there are downs. He will need people in his life as he grows older, a lot of people, and he will need hugs continuously to get him through his journey. Asking for one when you need one is sometimes easier than waiting for the other person to notice. Easier said than done - for me. That is why I like the blog thing, I am a writer-type, show you how I feel person. I can tell you in five minutes on a piece of paper what would take me a lifetime to say to your face - flawed, but we all are in some way or another. (recognizing our flaws - next mission as a parent to teach my child)

It is very fulfilling as a parent to know that I am accomplishing my goal with my child - to raise him not to be ME, but to pass on my good qualities and by recognizing my own flaws and shortcomings - teach him otherwise. I give him my good and my bad as a foundation to learn and grow. He also without knowing teaches me things and helps me recognize who I am. This morning I learned from him that saying "come hug me" or "I need you" is not so hard to say.

So, to all my family and all my friends - I love you and need you and hug you right now. Thank you for putting up with me - good and bad - you are loved and hugged more than you know. To my son, thank you for not being afraid to need people - you are stronger than your mother in more ways than you know.