goodbye, Mister...

Well, I don't know where all this started and despite my reservations about putting this on my blog...i am anyway. Why? I dont't know. These are things I would rather not let anyone know at the moment, but I guess the fact of openness makes it feel more real and helps me let it go. Let it go, let it go, let it go...why is that so hard to do?

Maybe because last Saturday you called me because "you have to talk to me..." Ok. I go. Knowing, knowing, knowing that I shouldn't. Did it anyway. So its after midnight, right. Way after midnight. I go and meet you and we stand in the rain for what seemed like forever. Finally, you muster up the words, "can we sit in your car?" We do. You hug me. Hug me for a long time. My console is jabbing in my ribs and secretly I wish you'd stop, but you don't. Thanks. Now I have to cry. Cry because I do care about you and cry because I am deeply hurt by you and cry because I am so mad at you and cry because you can so easily seem to let things go and I cannot. Still hugging. Well...we sit back and just look at each other. Nothing has yet been said.

I look at the clock, it is 6:40 am. Yeah, 6:40 am. I realize that we had fallen asleep about the same you pop your head up looking at the clock as well. I can't believe we have been asleep in this car for hours...thats what you are thinking. I can't believe you called me here and didn't say a fucking word...thats what I am thinking.

We get breakfast and honestly at this point the last thing I want to do is eat. Slap you maybe? That still wouldn't make me feel much better. Then you get this bright idea that you want to show me something. As you say, Can I take you somewhere that's a suprise? Sure. Why not. We twist and turn down backroads and then finally come to the river. We sit. We get out. We go walk down these trails. You amaze me. Absolutely amaze me, as you tell me that this is your secret spot...where you go to be away and alone. We sit on some rocks on a sandbar and just look at the water and the birds and turtles and deer tracks, of course. I listen to you with your charming little stories and how you charmingly make me feel like the most special person in the whole world. For this moment....I forget about how you can't commit to me. I forget about how you have hurt me. I forget about the fact that I opened up my heart to you and you turned it away, but when this is over and we go our separate way. You in your vehicle...me in my car going in opposite directions...that is when I remember. That is when it starts to hurt again. For you, though, I think...that is when you forget.

You only care about me when you see me.